Can i not drive my cunt home
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
