I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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