I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
