The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
