theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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