the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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