Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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