So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Randomize
