....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
