My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
