I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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