Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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