Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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