I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you inspire me to be a worse person
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
