sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It's blow job season.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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