Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
