i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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