That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
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