i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
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does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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