She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
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Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
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I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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