Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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