I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
