I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
