All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
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