She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
