So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
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She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
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Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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