She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
