We named our party play list daddy issues
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
