someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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