capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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