As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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