at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There's a naked man in my car right now.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
