Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
