i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
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the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
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It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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