is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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