my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
