Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
