I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize