I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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