i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
