life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
a search helicopter?!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I don't deserve a penis
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
