I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
