A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
