my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
