need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
