remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
