Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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