yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
