JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
