I cannot find my penis.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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