Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
