Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
