Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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