I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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