No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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