i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
