i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize