i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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