Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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