I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize