we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
