I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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